How Not to be a Pirate
by Sketchy-d00d
Summary: Narrated by Captain Jack Sparrow an Captain Catherine Cole. Each lesson teaches you how NOT to be a pirate. Jack tells you all the introduction, I'll narrate the first lesson and then we'll go back and forth. I hope you enjoy it! I owe Jack several barrels of rum for dragging him into this so I'm really hoping it's worth it.
1. Introduction

'Ello there, maties. I see you've found my trusty how-to guide–or rather, how-not-to guide.

In this here guide, I, Captain Jack Sparrow, and my trusty comrade, Captain Catherine Cole of the Deceiver, can guarantee that you'll find all about how to be a pirate. Or rather, how not to be a pirate.

Catherine and I, Captain Jack Sparrow, will take turns narrating each example. This is, quite obviously, just the introduction and therefore will not tell you anything of the sort.

Oh, I was going to just leave it at that but Catherine wants for me to continue. She says, and I quote, "If you would like for the very sexy, and exceedingly cunning Captain Jack Sparrow to act out a rather humorous and likely embarrassing how-not-to then you should leave it in the comments."

Ouch! Alright, so I was paraphrasing a bit, that's no reason to hit me Catherine. Oh, now she's rolling her eyes. Oh, there goes the rum... I hope she realises she now owes me a new barrel. Oh yes, her message also includes herself, the less sexy and less cunning pirate captain.

Ouch! Okay, I might've deserved that one.

Anyhow, Catherine will be narrating the first how-not-to and I'll be acting it out. Oh the fun to be had.


	2. Rule 1: Swords

**_Rule number one: Beware of your sword._**

"Right, so I'm narrating this chapter. Do you have your sword, Jack?" Catherine asked as she straightened her hat.

Jack nodded and patted his hip where his sword rested. "Aye."

"Oh, now don't be so glum. Get out there!" Catherine pushed Jack out of their shared quarters. She watched with an evil smile from behind the door.

Jack stumbled out in front of his crew. Today they were practicing swordplay, with Jack and Will as their teachers.

Since Will was so skilled with a sword he was the perfect candidate.

"Ready, Jack?" Will asked, putting a hand on his sword.

"That's Captain Jack," Jack grumbled. He smirked though and put his hand on his sword hilt. "Ready."

"Three paces," Will said.

Jack nodded.

They each took three steps to their right.

"Two paces." Jack said.

They took two steps to their left.

"Draw!" Will shouted.

They both pulled their swords–

–and Jack's pants fell down.

Will had a bemused expression while the rest of the crew laughed.

Jack looked down. "Oh." With an indifferent expression he looked at the rest of the crew. "Nothing to see here, back to word."

He pulled his pants up and made his way back to the Captains's quarters.


	3. Rule 2: Pastels

**_Rule number two: Pirates don't wear pastels._**

"Are you ready?" The sexy Captain Jack Sparrow asked as he grinned cockily at the female captain.

"I look like a porcelain doll," she whined, puffing her cheeks out as she slapped at her frilly dress. "I can't even walk, why can't _you_ act this out?"

Captain Jack, the sexy one, tutted in disapproval. "We made a deal, _Captain_." Catherine glared at him, her makeup lessening the effect.

She had large pink circles on her cheeks and her small lips were a bright pink. Her eyes were shadowed with a pink as well, versus her typical kholed eyes. Her dress was layered in pastel blues, making her look much like a fragile doll.

"For the guide," Jack reminded, smirking at her.

She huffed indignantly and held her skirts up as she squeezed her way out of the cabin. Almost immediately the crew's eyes were on her and the work was stopped.

"What the bloody hell are you staring at?" She glared, slapping at her skirts angrily. Jack had taken her weapons and it was clear she felt bare without them. "Get back to work you nasty scallywags."

She worked her way to the wheel, stumbling on her dress and angrily cursing anything near her. Her language was enough to make a sailor blush.

"Turner!" She barked, scowling at everything. "I swear that if any other ship sees me like this you'll pay!"

William was about to say something back when the ship rocked with the impact of another. They were being boarded.

Catherine let out several loud shouts, a cascade of orders, and stumbled on her dress. "Foul thing!" She hisses, yanking at the skirts and ripping the seams. "Damned corset," she tugged at the front of her dress and scrambled down to the deck.

The other crew watched her hungrily but she paid them no mind. Instead she ripped her skirts to make movement easier, leaving her in the frail white underskirts that no other woman would be caught dead in. She would've attempted loosening her corset if one of the rival crewmen hadn't lunged at her.

She twisted out of the way and wrapped her torn skirts around his throat, pulling tight to choke him. "You and your crew will regret boarding my ship." She hissed in his ear.

She kicked him to the ground and went off again. Her hair had fallen from it's innocent do and rested, sprawled wildly, on her shoulders. Catherine didn't seem to care, however, because she continued her fight, taking a sword from a fallen enemy and yanking her hair loose.

"Jack Sparrow, I hate you so much!" She yelled as she clashed swords with an enemy. "I'm gonna kill him," she stated.

Jack swung in for her rescue and whisked her off to their cabin. "Fix yourself up and rejoin the fight," he said before going back out.


End file.
